Mother Goose is on the loose.
In hi-tech garb you'll find'er.
The same old cast are having a blast.
She's put the past behind'er.
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To get her mobile phone.
She sent out for pepperoni pizza
And ordered her poor dog a bone.
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, she didn't know what to do.
She taught them how to surf the Web.
They all learned, from Alice to Zeb.
It worked for a while, but wouldn't you know,
They began to fight over who ran the show.
With only one computer and only one mouse,
There was yelling and screaming all over the house.
She went to the store, the most super of all.
She bought enough computers to line every wall.
Peace was restored; all was just fine.
All the kids could be on-line.
One more thing, and I'll let it go.
There is something I have to know.
I believe the story; I guess its true.
But why did that Old Woman live in a shoe?
Mama and children seem to be happy.
But did you ever wonder who's the Pappy?
One more question I have to get in.
Was that Old Woman living in sin?
And all those kids, did she think God sent'em?
Didn't she know there's a way to prevent'em?
I will not recite any more ills.
But I'm sending that Woman a supply of Pills.
Little Miss Muffett sat on a tuffet.
Awash in electronic thrills.
She used her little modem
To learn what she owed'em.
And got turned on paying her bills.
Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
A merry old soul was he.
The King went bonkers, so bizarre.
He couldn't set the clock on his VCR.
The King was in the counting house
Counting out his money.
The Queen was in the parlor
Eating bread and honey.
The Prince was in his office
Cursing cyberspace.
"The Internet will
Ruin the human race."
The Princess thought him looney,
A major aberration.
"Pondering cyberspace
Is a form of meditation."
Little Jack Horner sat in a corner,
Searching for something swell.
But in his despair, he pulled out his hair.
He forgot the URL.
Mary had a little lamb.
Its fleece was black as tar.
And everywhere that Mary went,
Lamb stayed home with the VCR.
Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep.
She doesn't know where they are.
I'd be willing to bet, she was surfing the Net.
The straying sheep, she was not seeing.
She was too busy http://ing.
Wee Willie Winkle ran through the town.
Upstairs, downstairs, in his nightgown.
Tapping every window, rapping every door.
"Use that V-chip! Block out sex and gore."
Sing a song of six pence, pocket full of rye.
Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie.
When the pie was opened, the phone began to ring.
When no answer came, it did the auto thing.
It gave it's little message, and the birds began to sing.
For the caller who was calling was none other than the King.
Baa, baa, black sheep, have you any wool?
Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full.
One for the gas bill, one for the phone,
One for the computer my modem's on.
Little Boy Blue, come blow your horn.
The sheep's in the meadow, the cow's in the corn.
Where's the little boy who looks after the sheep?
He sailing through cyberspace vast and deep.
Jack and Paul went to the mall.
To fetch the brand new modem,
The one the store still owed'em.
Jack fell down and broke the thing.
Paul cried out, "You ding-a-ling."
They went back to get another.
Jack said, "Here, my little brother."
Paul fell down and broke it too.
Jack shouted out, "You dummy, you."
Humpty Dumpty's street was Wall.
But the market had a great fall.
All the King's horses plus Alan Greenspan
Could never raise the Dow again.
Hickory Dickory Dock,
The mouse clicked on the clock.
But what came up was quite a bore.
This URL was no more.
Hey, Diddle, Diddle,
The cat and the fiddle.
The cow's on the Internet.
The horse exclaimed, "That's fun, I'll bet."
The little dog said, "Let me on-line."
The cow replied, "Oh, stop your whine."
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To buy a new computer.
Jack bought one, Jill bought none.
Impossible to suit'er.
Georgy Porgy, eggs and ham,
One hundred Megabytes of RAM.
A thousand Gigabytes of MEM.
Honey, I want one of them!
Little Boy Blue and little Bo Peep,
Can't keep track of their wand'ring sheep.
What's the matter with Peep and Blue?
I'm not sure, but I have a clue.
Who wants to chase after woolly sheep,
When you can whirl through cyberspace deep?
Ride a cock-horse to Banbury Cross,
To see an old lady who still uses DOS.
She won't upgrade; she's far behind.
Says she's waiting for Doors 99.
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick.
Jack ate a mouse, and it made him sick.
He would have eaten the computer too,
But no one can swallow a CPU.
Simple Simon met a pieman.
They spoke of V-chips and VCR's.
Said an old lady, whose name was Katie,
"You guys must be from Mars."
Nancy Dawson is so fine,
She won't get up to serve the swine.
She lies in bed till eight or nine.
The rest of the day, she stays on-line.
She is so fine, she is so neat.
She surfs the Net till its time to eat.
After dinner she likes to chat,
Send E-mail, and stuff like that.
Fine and fancy, Nancy Dawson.
Molly, my sister, and I fell out.
And what do you think it was all about?
She loved coffee, and I loved tea.
I got a MAAK; she got a PeeCee.
And that was why we couldn't agree.
Curly-locks, Curly-locks, wilt thou be mine?
You shan't wash dishes, nor feed the swine.
But sit on a cushion and get on-line,
And feed upon strawberries, candy, and wine.
There was a little girl, who tried a little URL.
She hoped it would be torrid.
But this address caused her distress.
It was absolutely horrid.
"What a bad old http,
To cause such grief to poor little me.
I mostly groove on a fresh new site,
But this yucky thing gave me a fright."
Sing a song of sixpence, pocket full of wheat,
Septium computers would be so neat!
Gopher, movies, and wrap-around sound,
The fastest modem that can be found.
E-Mail, Telnet, and CD-ROM,
Its so exciting, its aweSOME.
A saucy Page on the World Wide Web,
That'll knock the socks off Uncle Zeb.
Then there's Usenet and on-line chat.
Grandma is shocked by stuff like that.
Once she learned her ABC's
But she never heard of FTP's.
Hector Protector was dressed all in green.
Hector Protector was sent to the Queen.
"I'll ask you a question, and I'll be specific.
I hear with computers you are super terrific."
"Yes, my Queen, I'm a genius and a whiz.
I can crack any system wherever it is.
I know the Queen's secrets, and that's no lie.
I found them all out on the very first try."
Now the Queen was miffed when she heard this tale.
And she sent poor Hector right straight to jail.
Peter, Peter, pumpkin-eater,
Had a wife and couldn't keep'er.
He put her in a pumpkin shell,
As a place for her to dwell.
She didn't like it very well.
"You are a jerk, and a scoundrel too!
Why in the world did I marry you?"
Introduced her then to URL.
She thought that was something swell.
Now he keeps her very well.
A diller, a dollar, a ten o'clock scholar!
What makes you come so soon?
You used to come at ten o'clock,
But now you come at noon.
"What say you, dilatory scholar?
Be late once more, and I'll yell and holler."
Answered then the tardy boy,
"I have secured a brand new toy.
I surf the Net and send E-Mail."
"What," said I, "does that entail?"
Said he, "Once I used the US snail,
To order stuff and send my mail.
Now I type it out and click.
It's cool, its neat, and awful quick.
On the Net I download files,
See great sites and smile big smiles.
Now my teacher, now you know,
In getting to school, why I'm so slow.
Every morning I try to be good,
To be on time, I know I should.
But despite my good intentions,
I'm seduced by these inventions.
That's my story, its no excuse.
But in the name of Mother Goose,
Can't you give me one more chance,
Now you've heard my circumstance?"
Said I, "All right, I'll grant your plea,
If you will teach me FTP."
KENNETH CAUTHEN
I would welcome responses.
Presently, the following essays are available: