The following are from The 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said 1998 Calender by Workman Publishing.

. . . and from Washington comes word that President and Mrs. Lincoln will spend Nixon's birthday at Key Biscayne, Florida, on February twelfth -- newscaster.

And Helena got six inches durning the night . . . Helena, Montana, that is! -- weatherperson on KHAR-TV, Alaska, during a report describing a snowfall in the Northwest.

The farmers in Annapolis Valley are pleased to announce that this year there will be an abundance of apples. This is particularly good news because most of the farmers haven't had a good crap in years -- Maryland television news broadcaster during an early morning report.

From his emergency flood headquarters at City Hall, Mayor Friedman has just ordered all families living near or adjacent to the Mill River to ejaculate immediately -- WLKW-TV, Rhode Island, news director, delivering an emergency news bulletin on air.

As a prize --- a beautiful riding mower with optional ass scratcher! -- announcer on television show Gambit - meaning to tell the audience about the prize: a riding power mower with optional grass catcher.

We now will hear Deck Your Balls with Halls of Helly . . . Deck your Bell with Balls of Holly . . . er . . . a Christmas selection -- BBC radio announcer.

There's two lovers in the stands. He kisses her on the strikes and she kisses him on the balls. -- Minnesota Twins sportscaster, during a lull in the game when the camera was taking shots of people in the stands.

Ladies and Gentlemen . . . and now Mr. Eddie Playbody will pee for you. -- announcer, introducing banjoist Eddie Peabody.

Tuesday Night at the Movies will be seen on Saturday this week instead of Monday. -- television announcher.

Then you add two forkfulls of cooking oil . . . -- directions given on television's The French Chef.

And he's got the ice pack on his groin there, so it's possibly not the old shoulder injury . . . -- sportscaster Ray French.

. . . and referee Richie Powers called the loose bowel foul on Johnson -- Washington sports announcer Frank Herzog during a Bullets -Trail Blazers basketball game.

Most of the bowlers bring along their wives for caddies. They like to carry their husband's balls from lane to lane. -- pro bowling tour announcer, during on-air coverage.

. . . and some 500 Italians make the trip, in a crowd of only 400 -- David Smith, Eurogoals.

Here's a sports bulletin just recieved from the newsroom. It is now official! Juan Pizzaro has just pissed a no-hit, no-run ball game! -- sports broadcaster, in the middle of game coverage.

. . . and now Orr catches the puck and rams it between the girlie's legs and scores . . . of course, I meant goalie. -- Boston sportscster, during a hockey game.

Well, I see in the game in Minnesota that Terry Felton has relieved himself on the mound in the second inning. -- Fred White, Kansas City Royals sportscaster, reading a wire-service summary that mistakenly showed the same starter and relief pitcher for the Minnesota Twins.

Many different kinds of animals have interrupted football games, but perhaps none so unusual as this one: "It's a big, Hippity-hop rabbit, jacking off down the field." -- sportscaster.

Red squirrels . . . you don't see many of them since they became extinct. -- Michael Aspel, British Radio 2.

TV talk-show host (mispronouncing the Massachusetts town of "Falmouth"): So you're from "Foulmouth"?
Guest: No, it's Falmouth, but actually I'm from Ass Hole, Woodsachusetts.
(Note: He was trying to say Woods Hole, Massachusetts.)

"Well, here it is Christmas. So we have a skeleton screw, er, skeleton crew here today." -- said on a Minnesota radio station back in the 70s.

From jstokes

"One good bit of news for England is that Ian Bothams groin is back to full strength." -- BBC Radio Announcer Eleanor Oldroyd.

From TriviumOrders

Know any more News And Radio Bloopers?
Email me and I'll add them to the list