Prank report from a contract employee:

At a Fortune 500 company I took the soap in the kitchen area and put it in the refrigerator with a sign that said "Do not remove."

It stayed there for the final three weeks of my contract. I actually witnessed Induhviduals taking it out, using it and putting it back.

[Editor's Note: A variation of this theme would be a sign on the soap that reads, "Do not use with water."]

A friend from West Virginia was shopping at the Wal-Mart in Blacksburg, VA. At the cash register, my friend wrote a check. The clerk asked for her driver's license. She presented her West Virginia drivers license and the clerk grabbed it way from her and scoffed at her, "If you're going to use a fake ID, you could at least use a real state!" A manager was required to verify West Virginia's statehood.

A report from a 9th grader:

Our school campus has twenty buildings spread over seventy acres. There were two soda machines. Recently they added a third. I overheard the workers arguing where to put the new machine. They decided to put it next to the other machine because that way people would notice it when buying drinks. There was one tiny flaw in that plan. The two machines sold the same drinks, and the new one cost an extra 75 cents.

When Daylight Saving Time was started on a national basis, I was able to convince one in-duh-vidual that she had to get up at 2 a.m. to reset her clocks. To do otherwise would violate federal law.

While shopping at the grocery store, I noticed that the tuna packed in spring water was labelled dolphin safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not. I mentioned this fact to the cashier and mused out loud, "I wonder why?"

She replied, "Must be because the oil would suffocate them."

The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity to his class at MIT. While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he told the class, "You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod . . ."

That was pretty much the end of learning for that day.

My previous job was with a clothing manufacturer. Every season we would have presentations on the latest fashions from around the world. During one of these presentations, our chief designer held up a pair of jeans that he had purchased in a trendy boutique in London. He told us that they were from a very exclusive designer and were about 200 pounds each.

An in-duh-vidual from the audience piped up, "200 pounds! How can a pair of jeans weigh that much?!"

I called my hair salon to tell them I'd be late for an appointment. I couldn't remember the haircutter's unusual name, so I said, "I think her name is 'Zora.'"

The receptionist said flatly, "We don't have anybody here by that name."

I said, "Check the appointment book and see who my appointment is with."

She checked and said, "Oh, your appointment is with 'Zoya.'"

So I'm wondering, how many of the six people working there have four letter names beginning with Z anyway?

I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g.,"I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter."

One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you not) following message:

"I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."

A long, long, time ago, when I was 19 or 20, I went to a bar with an older friend. The guy at the door asked for my ID. I gave him my driver's license, which of course had my date of birth printed on it.

He looked at it and said, "You have to be 21 to get in here." I replied, "That ID is a few years old."

He looked at it again for a moment, then said "Oh, OK" and let me in.

At my previous company in the UK, a Quality Initiative made use of posters around the office featuring parts of motivating words such as 'S CCESS' and 'VAL E'.

This was supposed to make you think that what was missing was 'U' (you). However, to the joy of the staff, a hand-written addition to the posters appeared. It was the single word: 'B LL'.

At a company during the winter months the static buildup due to the dry air from the heating system was becoming quite a problem. People and equipment were getting zapped constantly.

The receptionist was particularly hard hit as people were handing her stuff all day. An enterprising engineer decided to connect a wire with clips on each end from his sock to his shoe to ground the static. He was so proud of himself that he went to the receptionist and proclaimed he had fixed the static problem.

He then proceeded to walk in circles dragging his feet to prove that it worked. He reached his hand toward her to complete the demonstration. A big blue spark flew from his hand to her closest body part (her left breast) and she screamed like a wounded wolverine. It seems the clip had fallen off his sock.

[Editor: I'll bet she was Thor.]

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right away.

There's an automotive tire dealer in town with the following motto painted in two-foot high letters on the storefronts of their several locations:

"If it's in stock, we've got it!"

The receptionist was instructed to call a vendor. Using the vendor's invoice as the source of the phone number she began calling. Each time she called, her phone would ring. When she answered, no one was there. This continued throughout the morning. When later asked if she reached the vendor she explained what was happening and demonstrated for her superior. He noticed that the phone number she was calling (which was on the vendor's invoice) WAS THEIR OWN PHONE NUMBER! She had spent an entire morning calling herself.

The following incidents were sent in by Rene Schweitzer.

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

An actual tip from page 16 of the HP Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to 'downsizing', our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

I worked with an in-duh-vidual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."

A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room. When he told me, I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.

I used my American Express card to purchase goods at a local pet store. The salesperson swiped the card across the machine (like she was supposed to). She looked back and forth between the card and the machine. I asked her what was wrong. She said, "The machine is asking me to enter the last four digits of the credit card number, but the last four digits is five digits."

The groupings of numbers on American Express cards ends with 5 digits, not four.

I tried to explain that to her. I said, "Just enter the last four digits of the card number."

She repeated, "But the last four digits is five digits."

The manager had to enter the last four digits.

From Richard Manulkin

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