I believe the credit for idea of this page goes to Jay Leno of the Tonight Show.

This was sent in by Rene Schweitzer.

Here's some humor we all can appreciate. But there's one headline I've seen that these still can't top. It actually ran in 1991 in the Green Bay Press Gazette:

Thompson's Pen is a Sword

Not funny? Run the second the third words together and it is, which is what happened! And the kicker-it was on the front page!!! (In fact, I think I still have a copy of it somewhere if you don't believe me!)

Something went wrong in jet crash, expert says

Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers

Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted

Drunk gets nine months in violin case

Survivor of siamese twins joins parents

Farmer Bill dies in house

Iraqi head seeks arms

Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?

Stud tires out

Prostitutes appeal to Pope

Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over

Soviet virgin lands short of goal again

British left waffles on Falkland Islands

Eye drops off shelf

Teacher strikes idle kids

Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead

Squad helps dog bite victim

Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged cow injures farmer with ax

Plane too close to ground, crash probe told

Miners refuse to work after death

Juvenile court to try shooting defendant

Stolen painting found by tree

Two soviet ships collide, one dies

2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter

Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years

Never withhold herpes infection from loved one

Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84

War dims hope for peace

If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while

Cold wave linked to temperatures

Enfiels couple slain; Police suspect homicide

The following are from a calender called "The 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said" from Workman Publishing.

Astronomers say comet should be visible to the naked Idaho -- Los Angeles Examiner

Elena Nikolaidi gives distinguished rectal -- Louisville (Ky.) Courier-Journal

(President) Wilson spent most of his time entering Mrs. Galt.

Woman born Feb. 29 has baby same day -- St. Louis (Mo.) Globe Democrat

Choir director shows his organ to new church women -- Gloversville (N.Y.) Morn

At next Wednesday's children's party it is expected that in two hours 300 children will consume 1,800 sandwiches and 900 fancy cakes, gallons of milk and tea, pounds of butter and a fishfryer, a plumber, a schoolmaster and a railway inspector. Yorkshire (U.K.) Gazette

Tell Boy Scouts: Drop short pants, take interest in girls -- Wausau (Wis.) Record Herald

How to speak and write like a colleg graduate -- Norfolk Virginian-Pilot

Dining Tables of Oak, seating fourteen people with round legs and twelve people with square legs, with prices attached. Huntly (U.K.) Express

A girl who is seventeen is much more of a woman than a boy who is seventeen -- New York Journal American

The College's Affrimative Action Policy and the policy of non-discrimination which assure equal employment oppertunity and access to programs are based on the following state and federal laws, and executive orders: . . . . . 14) Equal Pay Act of 1963 (requires equal sex for equal work) -- Evergreen State College handbook, reported in The Chronicle of Higher Education.

Africa: Glamour. Decadence. Murder. Hundreds of secretarial opportunities -- Working Women's Association magazine Nine to Five

Divorces are fewer among single people, Chicago figures show -- Chicago Tribune

Player fined for using obscure language to umpire -- Sarasota Morning Star

The wedding was consummated in the garden of the American Consul's home in the presence of more than a hundred distinguished guests -- society report in an American-language Japanese newspaper

The Southeastern Georgia Alzheimers Chapter presents a dinner cabaret, "A Night to Remember."

They are also interested in reminiscences from people who wee in the audience on the last night at any local cinemas or theatres -- Hull (U.K.) Daily Mail

At night the flavour changes as Turkish women don't tend to come out at night. Their absence has probably got something to do with the awful organ music that seems so popular here. It takes little persuasion for another tone deaf Turk to leap up in a lokanta and wildly pump his organ, singing incomprehensible words in between gasps for air. Lancaster (U.K.) Travel

Mr. Firestone argued that his client was a student, had not been found guilty, and should not be subhauled by tank steamer to the east coast and then pumped back into the middle-west and the Great Lakes area through pipe-lines. Cleveland Press

Parking lot floods when man bursts -- Durham (N.C.) Herald-Sun

Illiteracy is still a poblem among Mississippi adults -- Hendersonville (N.C.) Times-News

Health department says death certificates are to be ordered one week in advance of death -- Lancaster (Ohio) Eagle-Gazette

Christmas sale of Methodist women at west-side church -- Springfield (Mass.) Daily News

Population increase involves thousands of to and from moves -- Regina (Canada) Leader-Post

Here is an evening prayer for the little ones, and to me it is very sweet and solemn:

Savior, tender Shepard,hear me,
Bless thy little lamb tonight,
In the darkness be Thou near me,
Keep me safe till morning light.
To remove rust from window glass, dip
cloth in coal oil and rub hard.

Found in Daily Comix.

Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies -- The Los Angeles Times

Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men -- The Sunday Oregonian

Man shoots neighbor with machete -- The Miami Herald

Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons -- Cedar Rapids Gazette

How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart -- Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera

Fish lurk in streams -- Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle

Found in Laff-A-Day.

Infertility unlikely to be passed on -- Montgomery Advertiser

Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men -- The Sunday Oregonian

Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear -- Journal of Commerce

Some phone psychics provide useless, erroneous information -- StatenIsland Sunday Advance

Iowa moves back to Pittsburgh -- The Flint Journal

Chick Accuses Some of Her Male Colleagues of Sexism -- The Los Angeles Times

Know any more Actual Newspaper Headlines?
Email me and I'll add them to the list