In an effort to end the controversy surrounding the Presidential Election, Bill Gates, CEO and founder of Microsoft has declared himself to be the new President Elect of the United States.

Using the guerilla tactics that he is most famous for Mr. Gates' troops stormed the house located at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, Washington, DC and took control of the Oval Office.

"Their team was just too well-trained at performing hostile takeovers for us to put up any resistance" said a high ranking Secret Service Agent.

In a press conference conducted after the takeover "President Elect" Bill Gates said, "In my first year as your President I plan to reverse those anti-capitalist antitrust laws so that we can move this country further into the 21st century." When questioned on who he is planning to appoint to his Cabinet "President Elect" Gates stated that he was reviewing resumes from the Christian Coalition and expected to choose from the most hypocritical of them.

Other legislation the new "President Elect" plans to enact is to open reeducation camps for those errant users of non-Microsoft products and to outlaw the use of Netscape 6.0 within the United States and its territories.

Later in the press conference, "President Elect" Gates concluded, "They should have seen this coming. Hell, those other two idiots can't figure it out, I decided it was best if the country was in my hands. After all, it already is."

At the time of publication no lawsuits have been filed contesting these events.