How to Shower Like a Woman
- Take off fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning.
- Walk to bathroom wearing robe and towel on head. If you happen to see husband along the way, ignore juvenile "turban-head" jokes and run to bathroom.
- Look at womanly physique in mirror and stick out stomach so as to complain about how fat you're getting.
- Turn on hot water only.
- Get in the shower, once you've found it through all the steam.
- Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
- Wash hair once with cucumber and lemon shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
- Rinse hair. Condition your hair with cucumber and lemon conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
- Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red and raw.
- Try to wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Guava Cake bodywash.
- Complain bitterly when you realize that your husband has once again been EATING your Ginger Nut and Guava Cake body wash.
- Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes, as you must make sure that all the conditioner has come off).
- Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be bothered.
- Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of cold water.
- Turn hot water on full and rinse off.
- Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.
