Signs

These were submitted by Rene Schweitzer.

Vanity Plates seen on a Mercedes Benz in California . . . WAS HIS.
Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills . . . Making the last car payment.
The trouble with Sunday drivers is, they don't drive any better during the week.
If you can't keep a secret, you don't need to know it.
Quote from the boss: "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."
If you want the world to beat a path to your door, just try to take a nap on a Saturday afternoon.
Measure wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which you would not take money.
My son told his teacher the Indians could not possibly have served popcorn to the Pilgrims at the first Thanksgiving because they didn't have microwave ovens back then.
When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum.
Is your holier side your altar ego?
I need someone to refresh my memory. How many cars are allowed through an intersection after the light turns red? Is it three or five?
What's dumber, expecting educators to be entertaining, or expecting entertainment to be educational?
While in a pub in England, a condom machine in the men's room had this on the ad: "Manufactured to strict British standards." Underneath, someone had scratched, "So was the Titanic."
In a trip through upstate New York, I saw a sign reading "TUESDAY NIGHT, Jump Into bed with a stranger - FREE HOT DOGS!"
I was in Nags Head, NC in 1994 During a hurricane (I believe it was Gordon) and at the end of a pier, I saw this sign: "Wanted - Virgins to sacrifice to hurricane gods, Apply within."
Last year while vacationing in Salt Lake City, we encountered a unique garage sale sign: "Garage Sale, Handguns, Ammo and House plants."
While driving on the West-bound I-10 from Baton Rouge to New Orleans, my friends and I saw a couple of small signs every few miles. They read, "PMS Test Site." I still don't know what they're supposed to mean, but we've had plenty of speculation.
On a bumper sticker: "Take my advice, I'm not using it"
Sign seen in a bar: "Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."
Sign by a urinal said: "The same guy who removes the cigarette butts from the urinal, also puts the ice in your drinks."
Sign outside kids game store: "Be nice to your kids. They choose your nursing home."
On a bumper sticker: "Don't steal, the government hates competition."
In a non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push, Push, Push."
On a front door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
On a podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
On a butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
On another butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
At a used car lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
At an auto body shop: "May we have the next dents?"
On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
On a music teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
At an electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a beauty shop: "Dye now!"
On the side of a garbage truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."
In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
On the door of a music library: "Bach in a minuet."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."
On an Electrician's truck: 'Let us remove your shorts.'
English Sign in German Cafe: 'Mothers, Please Wash Your Hands Before Eating.'
At a Music Store: 'Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner.'
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: 'Best place in town to take a leak.'
In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: 'Drop your pants here.'
At a farmer's field: 'The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.'

Some more signs from Rene.

Plumber: "We repair what your husband Fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one Weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?"
Sign at the psychic's Hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you."
At A Laundry Shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"
At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

Here are a bunch of bumper stickers from Rene Schweitzer.

Horn broken. Watch for finger.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
I brake for no apparent reason.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
No radio - Already stolen.
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
i souport publik edekashun.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder....
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Some bumper stickers from Daily Comix.

Missing dog and wife. Reward for dog.
Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put It In Reverse?
Pardon my driving. I'm reloading.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says: I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon!
Earth first! (We'll stripmine the other planets later)
Support your State Troopers - Drive really fast.
YES this is my truck. NO I won't help you move.
You're driving a car. It isn't a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restauraunt.
My karma ran over your dogma.
Guns don't kill people (postal workers do).
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
If you are close enough to read this, I am close enough to slam on my brakes and sue you.
Drive carefully! Remember, it's not only a car that can be recalled by it's maker.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Support Search & Rescue - GET LOST!
If you don't like the way I'm driving, YOU come get these handcuffs off!
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.
Supporting America's Militant Agnostics... we don't know, and you don't either.
Witches' Parking - All others Toad.
Never drive faster than your Guardian Angel can fly.

Some more bumper stickers from Rene.

Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
Practice Safe Sex. Go Screw Yourself.
If You Drink Don't Park. Accidents Cause People.
If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point.
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar, But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
Illiterate? Write For Help
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
I Haven't Lost My Mind -- It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph . . . Are Also Timed For 70 mph
Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
Ax Me About Ebonics
Body By Nautilus. Brain By Mattel
Boldly Going Nowhere
Caution -- Driver Legally Blonde!
Don't Be Sexist -- Broads Hate That
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
Warning! Driver Only Carries $20 In Ammunition

Know any more funny Signs or Bumperstickers?
Email me and I'll add them to the list