Some Great One-Liners

These were submitted by Rene Schweitzer.

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.
I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.
West Virginia: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always".
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded fire station?
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more Californians happy?
HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!
To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question... or is it?
Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
THE BILL OF RIGHTS... (Void where prohibited by law)
If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one hell of a party.
REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE COUNTRY ARE BELOW AVERAGE.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
OTHER THAN THAT, MRS. LINCOLN, HOW WAS THE PLAY?
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
If you run out of sick days, call in dead.
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it"

Here are some more from Rene.

Life is sexually transmitted.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
All generalizations are false.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Rehab is for quitters.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I love cats....they taste just like chicken.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Born free....Taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

These were sent in by Shawn Rung.

Hermits have no peer pressure.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
What a nice night for an evening.
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
I live on a one-way dead-end street.
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks-I'm not going that far."
I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door complained.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

These were sent in by Rene Schweitzer.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
When someone says, "Do you want my opinion?" - it's always a negative one.
The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.
The trouble with work is - it's so daily.
The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.
Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy. Check 3 friends, if they are OK, you're it.
Pain and suffering are inevitable but misery is optional.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing

Found by the Tamster in Daily Comix.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Success always occurs in private. Failure occurs in full view.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
Money isn't everything, But it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
A picture is worth a thousand words but it uses up a thousand times the memory.
Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.
If a thing is worth doing it would have been done already.
HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
Two can live as cheaply as one... for half as long.

Submitted by SBY4PLUS1

Of course I don't look busy, I did it right the first time!
4 out of 5 voices in my head said call in sick.

Some more from Daily Comix

Black holes really suck.
Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the Earth.
Budget....A method for going broke methodically.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Canadian DOS prompt: EH?\>
Cigar Smokers Appreciate A Great Butt
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime??
Death to all fanatics!
Diplomacy....the art of letting someone have your way.
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
Due to the outbreak of AIDS, employees will no longer be permitted to kiss the boss' ass.
Dyslexics of the World: 'Untie!'
Eat Lamb. 50,000 Coyotes can't be wrong.
Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
Facts are stubborn things.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Help! My Reality Check Bounced!
I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere!
Anger is only one letter short of danger.
If someone betrays you once, it's his fault; If he betrays you twice, it's your fault.
Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
The tongue weighs practically nothing, But so few people can hold it.

Some more from Rene.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Just remember . . . if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Today's subliminal thoughts are:

Some more from Daily Comix.

To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.
Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger.
A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous.
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked.
Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
I don't eat snails... I prefer FAST food!
Anyone who uses the phrase 'easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried taking candy from a baby.
It's what you learn after you know it all that counts.
Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to who can't.
People may doubt what you say, but they will believe what you do.
By the time we realize our parents were right, we have children who think we're wrong.
I have claustrophobia combined with fear of success, so I completely fell apart when I did a really good job painting the inside of my closet. - Bob Thaves (Frank & Ernest)
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie" while looking for a bigger stick.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
A dropped wrench will always end up exactly 1/2 inch beyond your reach.
Life is just a phase you're going through...you'll get over it.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more idiot than you counted on.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.
Lord, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.
My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.
Discover Wildlife! Have Kids!
"Genuine Antique Person," Been there, done that, can't remember!
Our policy is to always blame the computer.
Take my advice, I'm not using it!
I love to give homemade gifts... umm, which one of the kids would you like?
By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence!
I quit jogging for health reasons. My thighs rubbed together so much it caught my underwear on fire!
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free you either married it or gave birth to it.
Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing .. and then they marry him!
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have film.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
Did you ever notice that Evian bottled water is Na�ve spelled backwards? Think about it...
The grass may actually be greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has to be mowed!