• My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
• A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
• Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
• Hi. Now you say something.
• Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
• Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
• Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!
• Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
• Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
• This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.
• Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
• Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
• If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
• Please leave a message. However, you have right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
• Hello, you've reached Paul and Carolyn. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Carolyn likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message; and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you.

Found in Daily Comix.

Some more from Daily Comix.

• The president is not in his/her office at this time. Please leave your number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.
• Thanks for calling the psychic hotline. I'm not in my office right now, but leave your number and what you think of when you hear the following: orange, mother, unicorn. Also, leave me a brief history of your childhood. Thank you.
• Hi, this is Bobby's refrigerator. The answering machine eloped with the tape deck so this is my job for a while. Leave a message and I'll stick it to myself so that Bobby receives it promptly.
• This is you know who, I'm you know where, leave your you know what, you know when.
• This is not the pizza place, so please do not leave an order or Luigi will come after you again. Jeez!
• Remy's palace of pleasure. If you are a woman, leave your phone number and a brief description of yourself.

Know any other Answering Machine Messages?
Email me and I'll add them to the list