• With optional metal probe, Microsoft's "Explorer" now explores more than just web sites.
• Recycle Bin inexplicably replaced with an angry monkey.
• Built-in Excel macro calculates *exactly* how many times Bill Gates can buy your sorry behind.
• Calls your mother every time you log into porn sites.
• New "No Monopoly To See Here" background featuring a scrolling "Gee you're looking very lovely today, Ms. Reno" message and a dewy-eyed Bill Gates cursor.
• Helpfully locates and destroys all non-Microsoft software on your computer.
• Illegal operation error message now includes WAV file saying "I can't do that, Dave."
• Final installation screen displays the message: "Thank you for upgrading to Windows 2000. Windows will now restart your machine and render your programs useless."
• First 3,500 customers to purchase Windows 2000 receive 12 free hours of antitrust litigation from Microsoft lawyers!
• Free technical support until 1901!
• Crashes *twice* as fast as Windows 98!

Know any more New Features in Windows 2000?
Email me and I'll add them to the list