ALPHA -

Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."

BETA -

Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."

BIT -

A word used to describe computers, as in "Our daughter's computer cost quite a bit."

BOOT -

What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skill.

BUG -

What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: What computer magazine companies do to you after they get you on their mailing list.

CHIPS -

The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.

COPY -

What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at your computer and not enough time studying.

CPU -

Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a old machine, a ferret if it's a Pentium and a ferret on speed if it's a Pentium II.

CURSOR -

What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You %@& computer!"

DEFAULT DIRECTORY -

Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.

DISK -

What goes out of your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip.

DUMP -

The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer.

ERROR -

What you made when you first walked into a computer showroom "just to look."

ERROR MESSAGE -

Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.

EXPANSION UNIT -

The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.

FILE -

1. What a secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.
2. A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.

FLOPPY -

The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see "CHIPS").

HARD DRIVE -

What you want to do to your tower after it freezes or locks up for the 3rd time in a row . . . give it a good HARD DRIVE!

HARDWARE -

1. Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.
2. Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered.

HELP -

What we all need. Actually, it is the feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.

IBM -

The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again.

INPUT/OUTPUT -

Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.

INTERIM RELEASE -

A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.

MEMORY -

Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.

MENU -

What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.

MONITOR -

Often thought to be a word associated with computers, this word actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always want to see your hall pass at school.

PRINTER -

A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

PROGRAMMERS -

Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.

PROGRAMS -

Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up to it.

RETURN -

What lots of people do to their computers after only a week and a half.

TERMINAL -

A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.

WINDOW -

What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.

WINDOWS 95 -

32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

Know any more Computer Definitions that would fit here?
Email me and I'll add them to the list