I have never really been politically active, nor have I followed politics very closely. But the recent events in Washington have evoked some strong feelings within me, and generally when I feel a very strong emotion, I get very creative. This time my creativity manifests itself in the form of the manuscript below, which you may or may not read. Before I get into my thoughts and feelings, I would like to make a few things clear. First, I am not a member of any political party. Later on in the article you will find out why... I am, however, a registered voter, and have voted in past elections. Also, and this is the important thing here, any fact I refer to or draw conclusions from in the following article may be totally made up. I have done absolutely no research for this article, nor have I put any thought into it, not even what will come on the next line. I am writing it as I go. For those of you who know me well, this should come as no surprise, as you know I usually just make things up and try to pass them off as facts. For those of you who don’t know me so well, I was just kidding in that last sentence... all that stuff I’ve always told you is true. And for those who don’t know me at all, well, since describing what I’m like in real life is not the point of this article, I will relate what I just said about me in real life to this article: All facts referred to as facts are things I think I have heard somewhere, usually even from a credible source, like the tv. news or newspaper. I think that should do it for some kind of disclaimer... If you don’t like what I’ve just said, don’t read on, just leave now, because it’ll probably make you want to hit me with a baseball bat with shards of broken glass glued to it.

I’ll be frank here. I do not like politics. I think it is a big pile of crap, and that it all makes society as bad as it possibly can be, and then manages to generate something to make it worse. Just so you know I’m open minded, I would like to say that I don’t think all politicians are bad. I’m sure there must be some decent people in politics somewhere. Just like I’m sure that somewhere there must be someone who thinks deep down inside that golf is a real sport. I don’t hate all politicians. Just the ones that are, well, assholes. Which seems to be all of them I’ve heard about lately. But I guess part of that is the media. But that’s another story all together... Actually, Mayor Rudy Guiliani seems like a good fella to me. Anyone who is willing to throw all dignity out the window and put on a dress and be kissed by Colin Quinn on live television deserves some credit.

It sure is taking me a while to get around to what I want to say on this page... So, I’ll get into it now. As you all know, unless you live in a bubble or have been away at college and never know what’s going on in the world, President Clinton has been impeached. Impeached does not mean kicked out of office. Impeached means that a bunch of people from one governing house (the House of Representatives) decided that they would tell the other governing house (the Senate) to have a vote on whether or not to remove the President from office. The House didn’t waste very much time on dumping the issue off on someone else. Consuming much more time and enthusiasm will be the dividing up of the impeachment expenses, which is going on as I write this article. This consists of deciding who will pay for the food on those long days of deliberation, and how much the committee in charge of impeachment will be paid, and who will pay it. I think it’s the responsibility of the Speaker of the House to pay it, and that’s why Bob Livingston resigned. So now he is the Impeached President Clinton instead of just the regular President Clinton. Personally, I think the longer title makes him sound more dignified and more important. Or maybe not.

There are a lot of people involved in the whole Impeachment Crisis, or whatever history will call it. Maybe they won’t call it anything, since I don’t recall ever reading a title given to Johnson’s impeachment. But, with the genius who came up with the name “Operation Desert Fox” running around out there somewhere, I’m confident that this impeachment will not lack a witty, fitting name. I mean, if it was up to the average person, like me, to come up with a name for that thing we just did in the Gulf, it woulda been called something dumb like “Operation Bomb the Shit Out of Iraq for a Few Days and Maybe Saddam Will Stop Being a Jerk This Time.” But what do I know? Just goes to show that our tax dollars are well spent of the salary of whoever sits in his office and names world events. I would now like to address certain players in the whole impeachment process individually, much like a parent addressing a small child who has misbehaved. The whole thing that led to impeachment has been going on for a very long time, I think for at least a year now. Thus it will be impossible to address all involved. If I left anyone out, I truly apologize.

To the Impeached President Bill Clinton:

To be honest, I wanted you out of office from the very beginning. I thought it was gonna be great when they finally kicked you out. This was before everything happened and before it looked like you might really be kicked out. But now I see what has happened to you. You were the target of a republican witch-hunt. The law was bent in ways which defy the laws of physics. Impeachment is only justifiable by action which will harm the country or its citizens. This is one of the basic principals which should have protected you from the mark you will now bear next to your name in the history books. My heart goes out to you.

Until I remember that on the scale of decency among living things you rank almost even with that greenish-brown scummy stuff that floats at the edge of a polluted pond. I would not go so far as to call you scum of the earth, but... Well, I kinda just did, I guess. And I stick by that call. Let’s all sit down for a brief review of what happened that led to where you are today. You cheated on your wife. Many times. This alone gives you “bottom of the barrel” status in my book. If you didn’t want your wife exclusively for the rest of your life, why did you marry her? You also have a daughter, who will have to live with this all her life. But I believe we are not yet to what got you impeached. You lied. Many, many, many times. Under oath, sometimes. Which, if I understand the oath correctly, means that you are now condemned to Hell. But since you are not there yet, I have some more to say to you. You lied. Then, you faced a decision. You could have admitted your lie and faced the consequences. Hell, you could have even said you “misled” people, since that’s the word you like to use. Sure, people would have been pissed. But who likes it when someone lies to them? But you get over it. The American people would have, too. I am shocked that you have such little faith in us. But, when you saw the poll that said people would get mad about it, you went out and lied some more. You lied to the Grand Jury. And you lied to the people. You aren’t even a good politician, because if you were, you would not have been caught. At any time along the line had you told the truth, you could have saved the presidency. Oh sure, you sort of admitted that you misled everyone, but it’s a little hard to start filling holes and bailing water when the ship has reached a depth of 3000 feet below sea level. What you have done, to the country and your family, put you on par with that Unabomber guy. Scum of the earth.

To the House of Representatives:

I debated dividing you up into Democrats and Republicans, but it doesn’t really matter, since I have the same thing to say to all of you. What has happened recently goes to show that the party line if destroying us. In the vote on the first article of impeachment, only ten of you crossed party lines. If that isn’t a bunch of bullshit, I don’t know what is. I don’t care about sticking by your guy like the democrats did, or about the angry mob mentality of the republicans, where even if you didn’t agree you were just swept along and had no choice in the matter. The point is that nobody really seems to care about right and wrong as the law defines it, or about the damage that will be done to the country, only about seeing that the other party goes down in flames. And that is just plain wrong.

To Ken Starr:

You have too much time on your hands. And you are a sick man.

To Bob Livingston:

I would like to believe that you resigned because you were as sickened by everything that has happened in Washington in the past months as I am, and not because you were only a temporary Speaker of the House, and soon they would dig up dirt on you, and your career would end in disgrace also.

To the Unabomber:

I’m not sure what you had to do with all this, but you should know that terrorism in any form is pointless. It just hurts innocent people, and quickly and effectively brings together the aforementioned metaphorical, or literal, angry mob, neither of which is a good thing to have after you. Blowing people up with the mail is just wrong, not to mention damn inefficient.

To Monica Lewinski:

The old saying “birds of a feather flock together” applies to you and Impeached Clinton. Let me think, since he is scum, what does that make you? You are neither good-looking nor charismatic, and to be a star in the world, you need at least one of these qualities. And yet you managed to become a household name. And how did you manage to do this? By corrupting an innocent cigar that would never hurt anyone and doing horrible things with it. You slept with Impeached Clinton and then went and cried about how he didn’t want you anymore. You were both consenting adults... You look like you’re pushing 50 and who knows how old he is. You also knew he was married. And you want us to believe you were the victim? You seem pretty dumb for someone who is making millions on a movie deal from all this, and also you got your name in the history books for being a nobody who did the president. And I really don’t think that Impeached Clinton is creative enough to have come up with that cigar thing on his own...

To Linda Tripp:

I’m not sure what you did, but you’re fat. I did see a funny sketch on Saturday Night Live about you, though. John Goodman played you...

To Paula Jones:

I don’t remember what you did, either. Unlike with Linda Tripp, I used to know what you did, but I just forgot. I think you started all this stuff somehow. It’s really hard to rip on you when I’m not even sure what you did...

To the American People:

I’m sure that you are disgusted by this just as I am. Not only is this embarrassing to the whole world, but I’m getting annoyed with hearing about it all the time. But the big picture worries me. Impeached Clinton became that way because the law was bent, and although he did commit a crime by lying under oath, this crime, by law, does not merit impeachment. The people in power have manipulated the system to serve their own goals. And thus, we are all caught up in a big war between the two parties. They say that by voting we have a choice, and that our vote counts. How many people find themselves voting for the lesser of two evils on election day? And since Richard Heye probably didn’t get more that 5 votes in the race for Governor of New York, I don’t think that my vote really counted. Anyone feel powerless let?

To the Handful of People Who Saw This Article:

I am just frustrated by what has occurred in the past months. This was my only motivation for writing this article. I am not getting paid... but that’s ok since I didn’t put very much thought into this. Actually, I’ll probably lose money when I get sued....

To the Three People Who Read This Whole Damn Thing:

I hope you were mildly amused by this. I feel very lucky to have found friends who will read a big long thing I wrote just because I told them to. Especially the one who reads slow as shit like I do. I love one of you very much. The other two... well... we have the pact. Heheh.