|Excerpt from Session
"She generates confusion concerning direction and attempting to assess the best direction, which is projecting attention outwardly and [is] also strongly influenced by beliefs concerning choices. It is not a matter of the best direction. It is a matter of allowance of self to be generating choices that you genuinely want and that generate fun, playfulness, preference and satisfaction within the individual.
"I may express to you, in this present now this particular expression is being addressed by many, many, many individuals throughout your world, for what you are presenting to yourselves is genuinely turning your attentions to yourselves, and this is a VERY unfamiliar action. Presenting choice to yourselves in theory is exciting, for you do incorporate somewhat of a recognition that if you are allowing yourselves choice, you also generate a tremendous expression of freedom. But the enactment of choice becomes quite challenging, for once you recognize that you potentially incorporate choice - not that you KNOW that you do incorporate choice but that you potentially incorporate choice - you open the door or the floodgates in association with the influence of your beliefs and all of the expressions that restrict you in which you express to yourself that you cannot engage certain choices. This is what motivates the thought process in the direction of attempting to assess what is the best avenue to be engaging, for you do not allow yourselves the freedom to express permission to yourselves to choose what you want regardless of your beliefs.
"In maneuvering yourselves around your beliefs, in a manner of speaking - not changing your beliefs but recognizing that you incorporate certain beliefs - acknowledging that and allowing your choice regardless, even if the choice appears to you to be in opposition of your beliefs..." (1)
It's 6:45 AM and my son's alarm is going off yet again. He has it set for 5:00 yet rarely gets up before 6:15. That's if he's taking the first bus. If he's taking the second, he stays in bed until 6:45. He likes to hit the snooze button again and again. This morning I don't hear him get up. I wait a few minutes and then knock on his door. "You better get up this time."
A few minutes later he informs me he's not going to be able to catch the second bus and could I drive him to school? Damn. I don't want to and I feel myself getting angry, but I say I will. I'm angry because I see myself choosing to become a victim. I know I don't have to drive him, but I feel I have to; my beliefs dictate to me that I do. If I don't he'll be late, I'll be a bad mother.
I move into self-pity. Because I work at home... Because I don't have a normal job... Because I'm the mother.
Then I feel my anger rising again. I do not want to drive him. I begin to line up my justifications. I'll be late for my first appointment. It's a 45 minute round-trip. It's his own fault.
And while all this is going around in my thoughts, I'm also aware of how I will not allow myself my choice. It's not the right choice. I don't have the right reasons. I'm the mother and supposed to be responsible for him. And I'm feeling guilty because he knows I don't want to and he's feeling bad about making his mother unhappy. I'm feeling bad about making him feel bad about something as small as needing a ride to school.
I pull myself back into myself and observe. I know what I want, but I'm not choosing it. It doesn't matter what it is. Doesn't matter that it's played out in whether to drive him to school or not or in any other area of my life. The message I'm receiving is very clear: I am not allowing myself my choices but rather allowing my beliefs to dictate what I can and cannot do. And what I'm doing is observing how I choose that; how I allow the influence of my beliefs, how I don't trust him or myself to create our reality correctly. And I'm pissed because I see no other way without creating conflict.
Then I remember; I don't need to find a different way, a better way, the right way. I need only notice that I do have choice. So I relax and just sit with that. Yes, I do have choice. That knowing empowers me. No longer am I a victim to my beliefs, but I am choosing to align with them or not.
In that moment I realize it matters not whether I drive him or not. Neither choice is better or worse, and it truly matters not to me whether I do or not. Both choices are perfect. Both will be my experience, only differently.
Calm as a spring morning my son walks in and tells me he won't be late if he takes the second bus. "Don't worry about it. I love you, Mom. Have a great day."
And I've given myself yet another bit of information. My choices aren't laid out in front of me to choose from. Every now is an outcome of a choice I allowed. Some dictated by my beliefs, some not.
(1) ©2004 Mary Ennis, All Rights Reserved
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